So I've never really publicized this little journey of my life, but if you've known we for more than five years or simply know me well, then you know that I used to be profoundly obese...after two years of teaching I found myself over 230 pounds. I was never a skinny kid, I was always larger than my friends, therefore I have always thought of myself as fat. Just the way that works. Despite always being bigger than others, I was athletic...basketball, field hockey, shot putter and hammer thrower...I just didn't watch what I ate. The pounds krept on through high school and college due to zero portion control, late night Amigos runs (no regrets though, they were good times), regular Mountain Dew intake, and then finally the consumption of adult beverages played a role, I'm sure, in the poundage increase.
I finally decided to do something about it in the summer of 2003 when I was home and saw my parents using the Weight Watchers system. I decided to try it...couldn't hurt...and I found that it worked! I slowly began to see the pounds go away and it was wonderful! I set an intial goal of about sixty pounds, which would put me at the weight I had written down on my drivers liscense id. It took about two years for me to reach that goal and the journey was great. I had people telling me how wonderful I looked, and I felt great...I even moved from a walker to a jogger and pilates devotee. It was amazing! I was shopping in the normal misses section! I decided to go for 25 more, which would get me to the healthy BMI range that doctors tout to patients who listen. I also decided to train for a half-marathon. It was great! As I trained, the weight came off slower because I had to consume more to make up for all the calories I was burning. But I did get to a pound and a half away from my goal. And then I moved...
I moved, I ran the half-marathon, and I suddenly began to socialize more. Not that I was never social before, but just not to this extent and well, some pounds krept back on...and then I maintained that for over a year...with some yo-yoing...
And then I just got really mad and disappointed in myself. You see, I suddenly had experienced an enormous amount of success and then I felt as though I had lost it all. It was horrible. The success in weight loss had led me to try different things and believe I could be successful in all areas of my life. I began to expect that success in all things. Not that I was ever really unsuccessful before, but I tended to not do my absolute best so that way I wouldn't be disappointed...except that I would be disappointed and mad at myself anyways. I digress...the pounds increase got me down and it took about a year for me to truly understand that I've always had high expectations of myself, but the weight loss had actually helped me realize all of that. I never thought of myself as driven, but apparently I am and I have always been this way...I had no clue until a year or so ago.
So, jump to now. There's been more of an increase and it's time for it stop. I have a closet full of cute clothes and I can't wear a lot of them. And I just refuse to buy a size up and spend more money...I've already spent money. Losing weight again is more cost-effective. So, I've rejoined Weight Watchers online and in two weeks I lost five pounds...it's a start.
I'm approaching this a little differently than last time...I don't want to let myself get too caught up in the success of it all again because if there is a week that's not as successful I don't want to beat myself up. I'm still going to socialize, but I need to be better about my choices and more aware of what I'm putting in my body again. I want to get stronger, not just skinnier. I want to feel good, but not let my self-worth rely on this one part of my life. It's far from the only thing in my life.
Here are some pictures for your viewing pleasure. I keep a picture of myself the summer before I first began this sub-journey of my life to remind me of what I don't want to return to and also to remind me of how far I have come in five years.
With my good friend Paul at Erin and Brian's wedding--great wedding, but hard to look at sometimes.
With Erin at a bridal shower for Anna--I felt so good!
With the girls at Rachel's wedding. I loved that dress!